I’m having a very teary day today. Was it on Jen Lee’s blog that I read ‘Faith is forward motion’? Today I’m having trouble moving.
I’m not really worried about the baby coming… that feels like inevitability now. There’s just so many unknowns. Christmas is impenetrable – will there be two or three of us? If the baby comes by then, will my mum be here? What sort of food should I be planning? I’m usually excited about Christmas plans by now, but this year it seems I can’t make any.
I don’t even know when I’ll start maternity leave. It sounds conceited, but I’m not sure how things will run without me. There’s a few technical things I haven’t been able to hand over properly. My manager has even discussed me working from home for a while, before the baby comes. This makes me nervous… I’d rather just be done with it.
My body is changing so rapidly at the moment, I’m no longer sure what I’ll be able to do from day to day. Sitting at my desk – or just sitting still anywhere – is increasingly difficult. The baby is making it’s presence felt. I’m wishing more and more I knew if it was a boy or a girl, because it seems increasingly inappropriate for such a strong presence to have no name.
I know this attitude isn’t helping. I know I need to find a way to move forward, despite all the what if’s.
So that’s my wish for this week: I wish to embrace the unknown.
What are you wishing for?