Remember when I wrote about my impending gloom? It came. It settled. I stopped.
I wrote. My journal overflowed with problems, big and small, insecurities, memories, resentments old and new. I went to work, to dance class, to the climbing gym. I talked and talked and talked to my beloved, to the point that he felt I had nothing to say but the same thing twenty ways. I wrote and wrote some more, until I felt like I was writing around in circles. I got my cards read by Suzie, and dug out my own, long abandoned set of idea-pictures. I talked to someone officialish about my problems, feeling foolish for not being able to articulate the cause of all of this. I lit candles and cooked comfort food, which I found no comfort eating.
Slowly, the problem at the heart of it unfurled.
When I think about it like that, I picture a big, black, many petalled flower, bigger than any elephant in the room. It’s scarier vision, a bigger fear and a worse problem than I knew my life could hold. For a while, I surrendered and did nothing, caught by the horror of this idea I’d released.
But now I have seen it and named it, and now I can act, even if I can’t face it head on. That means self-care, and that means soul-care.
I’ve been back to my family. I’ve spilled the beans to a couple of close friends, the hardest thing for me to do. My gratitude journal, like this one, is getting a work out. I’ve bought books to read and coloured pencils to draw, signed up for an art course and spoken to a PROFESSIONAL. I have made sure I have good breakfast food, and I made sure I ate it. I’ve done everything possible to get a good night’s sleep.
My first defence is to stand in the shower in the morning, with the water running over me, and think “What little thing can I do today, to make it a good day?”
Because these small things, they are all I can do.
I’m looking at Christmas and feel lonely, because Christmas is not supposed to be like this. But at the same time I look at the sadness that I finally was able to name, and I think
I am so strong.
Because I sought this out, and found it, and maybe I can’t fight it yet, but I have come so far.
I will do all my small things,
and I will gather my tribe,
and I will face this thing, that I let grow too big in my heart.