The will to act

Remember when I wrote about my impending gloom? It came. It settled. I stopped.
I wrote. My journal overflowed with problems, big and small, insecurities, memories, resentments old and new. I went to work, to dance class, to the climbing gym. I talked and talked and talked to my beloved, to the point that he felt I had nothing to say but the same thing twenty ways. I wrote and wrote some more, until I felt like I was writing around in circles. I got my cards read by Suzie, and dug out my own, long abandoned set of idea-pictures. I talked to someone officialish about my problems, feeling foolish for not being able to articulate the cause of all of this. I lit candles and cooked comfort food, which I found no comfort eating.
Slowly, the problem at the heart of it unfurled.
When I think about it like that, I picture a big, black, many petalled flower, bigger than any elephant in the room. It’s scarier vision, a bigger fear and a worse problem than I knew my life could hold. For a while, I surrendered and did nothing, caught by the horror of this idea I’d released.

But now I have seen it and named it, and now I can act, even if I can’t face it head on. That means self-care, and that means soul-care.
I’ve been back to my family. I’ve spilled the beans to a couple of close friends, the hardest thing for me to do. My gratitude journal, like this one, is getting a work out. I’ve bought books to read and coloured pencils to draw, signed up for an art course and spoken to a PROFESSIONAL. I have made sure I have good breakfast food, and I made sure I ate it. I’ve done everything possible to get a good night’s sleep.
My first defence is to stand in the shower in the morning, with the water running over me, and think “What little thing can I do today, to make it a good day?”
Because these small things, they are all I can do.
I’m looking at Christmas and feel lonely, because Christmas is not supposed to be like this. But at the same time I look at the sadness that I finally was able to name, and I think
I am so strong.
Because I sought this out, and found it, and maybe I can’t fight it yet, but I have come so far.
I will do all my small things,
and I will gather my tribe,
and I will face this thing, that I let grow too big in my heart.

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2 responses to “The will to act

  1. Is there anything stronger than a person facing herself, and what ails her, and still going out into the world and taking the steps that she feels are necessary, are life-giving?

    May you find the healing you need, or the quiet you need, or the time you need, or the vision you need. May you become what you need to become.

  2. Thankyou so much for your kind words, Laura

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